Access Your Brilliance came about after a long road of choosing to dim my own light and allowing myself to become a victim of current circumstances. There were so many wrong turns made along the way, so many time I gave away my soul and my dignity for reasons known and unknown. And just when I thought things were going to turn around, I’d stay in a situation too long or I’d open another door to another forsaken soul, and it wasn’t mine.
Many people have a story to tell, many of whom are far worse. But my story keeps tugging at me lately. Tugging at me like a child who is demanding attention. And despite all the tools I’ve gained, the studying I’ve done, the processes I was trained on in India, the coaching certifications I’ve received, yes, despite all the knowledge, this part of me is asking to be expressed. I am about to share a journey through the dark side of my life. Perhaps I’m to tell my story now because it may help someone out there. I’m not sure. But life lately has been presenting me with some ugly truths. My preference would be not only to sweep it under a rug, but to get the heavy duty Dyson out and eliminate it.
I don’t think that is going to work though. Lately, I’ve said to many, “better out than in”. And so, I’m going to trust that it’s showing up for a reason and it needs to come out.
Belts, tent poles, penis, hands, fists, feet, gun, words, money, benefits
All tools used to abuse me or keep me stuck in abuse
Hell on earth.
Who is the first person you trust? The one who’s going to protect you? Oh yes, the man with the belt. And so you begin to turn away, you begin to make decisions for yourself, but you’re not ready, wrong turns, dangerous conversations, empty words.
Tent poles.
Penis, rape, real, betrayal, terror, isolation, trauma
Drugs, alcohol, music, temporary relief
More bad decisions, more lies, more emptiness.
Answer, hero.
Not so fast. Hero becomes villain
Villain become addiction
Addiction become father
Father to innocence.
But fists fly furiously
Mangled face, blurry vision, police
Don’t take him away
Daddy stop hitting Mommy
Daddy stop
Silence………………
Start over, slow long path
Starting over, we’ll find a way out.
Money, words like razor blades
Slicing, slashing, mincing words, piece by piece
More money, stay, need to survive, stay.
Loud booming psychotic words flying past me
Costs too much, I have to go.
22 years later
Benefits necessary
Benefits valued more than dreams,
Dreams on hold.
Oh no, words, scary psychotic words hiding behind this door too!
Big girl now, put on your big girl panties and deal
Words continue.
Migraines
Hard to breath
Need a way out.
Abuse has found me again.