Fear is one thing. To let fear grab you and swing you around by the tail is another. Katherine Paterson Yesterday morning as I went to fill my water …
Yesterday morning as I went to fill my water bottle from our water dispenser a tiny little spider crawled down the spigot. “Geez”, I exclaimed, “really?” I had two choices, I could drop the bottle which was barely in my grip and let the water spill all over the floor or I could continue. Funnily, something similar happened this morning. As I went to step into the shower, and pulled the curtain back, a tiny spider dropped down and merely hit me in the face. I had one foot in the tub and nearly lost my balance. But instead I said, “Look, it’s fine if you want to live here, but do you need to jump in my face?”
Fear. Apparently one of the top things that people fear are spiders. Where I work, students on campus constantly shriek as bold squirrels comes forth foraging for food. Fortunately, neither really scare me. Truth be told, the one that always gets me running for the door are moths. I dislike their quickness and the way they’ll fearlessly fly in your face with their wings fluttering a million miles a minute.
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But fear certainly exists for me in many areas of my life. I talked about some of those in yesterday’s blog. Apparently being food insecure is one of them. But what about the non-tangible ones. What about the fears I harbor in my head that can build and leave my stomach churning if left unattended?
Fears that I know well include fear of being found out, fear of being called on the carpet, fear of being cornered, fear of challenged, fear of losing control, fear of having control, fear of not being liked, fear of being asked to take full responsibility, fear of being in charge, fear of not being in charge, fear of losing, fear of winning, fear of money. Wow, didn’t see that one coming. Fear of being yelled at. Fear of doing it wrong. Fear of not being seen, fear of being seen. Incredible, huh? Incredible that I have so many opposites living inside me. The thing I think I crave is also the thing I fear.
So what do we do with it? What do I do with it? I’ve got to employ a belief bigger than my fear. Bigger than any of the fears. A quote by Shirley MacLaine reads, “I could be whatever I wanted to be if I trusted that music, that song, that vibration of God that was inside of me.” I’ve got to trust. Trust that I have landed on my feet before. Trust that I am fully supported. Trust that the universe is friendly and that I have as much right as anyone to fully engage in all of the fruits of the universe. I could be whatever I wanted to be, if I didn’t worry about the fear. I’m beginning to think that the fear will always be there. However, I don’t need to give it a seat at the table, at my table. I don’t have to wear my fear like a cloak of protection. Because really, at this point, I don’t think it’s protecting me at all. I certainly don’t need to let it swing me around by the tail.
Last year, my dad was in convalescent home. He seemed miserable and I wanted to make him smile. So I picked up my two puppets and started to sing loudly through the puppets. I didn’t make it easy for myself and sing The Farmer in the Dell, no, I chose Barbara Streisand’s Evergreen. I felt myself fill up with fear, I thought, “Oh crap, you’ve just set the stage and you can’t go back now.” He (my biggest critic) was watching. Everyone was watching to see what I was going to do. I didn’t even know what I was going to do. But from somewhere inside me, my desire to sing the song became bigger than the fear. And I sang and sang and sang. I even surprised myself. My dad was riveted and people applauded.
I imagine fear is just going to be like that. Ready to get in my way and steal my thunder. But I get to decide. I can decide in each moment that I can and do, choose to breath through the fear, love through the fear, celebrate through the fear, write through the fear and certainly sing through the fear.